- Non-violent communication, mirroring and labeling: When they appear sad or angry: Mirror or label their state by saying something like "you are sad" or "you are angry" or "it sounds like you are angry" or "it looks like you are tired". Then they typically connect and might say something like "yes" or actually speak out the reason for their mood. If there's a conflict, I have had some success with NVC statements like "When your brother took your toy, you got angry, because you'd like to use it". Sometimes the tension has just disappeared by saying it. Both in them and in me.
- Even when there's no drama, mirroring and labeling are gold, making them feel alive and heard, connecting and sharing life.
- Games at the dinner table: In order to activate and do something fun together. It can be "guess what I'm thinking", or guessing a riddle, or telling dad jokes, or 'knock knock' jokes.
- Doing other things while they're activating themselves. Actually getting a lot of housework done, while the children are around. And meanwhile encouraging them to play with toys, play with each other, watch a movie, read, practice, play a game, or maybe even help doing something practical.
- Following up on a conflict or a drama, by speaking about it maybe five minutes after they (and I) have calmed down.
- Yin: Directing any negative energy towards something creative. Instead of resisting and fighting against negative energy, then speak to or show possible creative directions.
Some things that have not worked with my children:
- Rewards for behaviour. Keeping track is just too tedious. And I think it teaches the wrong kind of attitude
- Time-outs for 'bad' behavior
- Getting angry. It just makes me feel worse, and it definitely does not solve anything
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